Down into the Blue

 

So here we are again. It has been a long time my friend. A long time since we have spoken. It is a dark time now. At least it feels like to me. 

It is 2020. Does that mean anything to you? I thought it would mean more to me. But here I am. It was to be the year I had a machine in place. I was going to use that machine. I was going to finally make the money that I wanted. Not living from some money to hoping for money. To getting some from somewhere somehow. I was actually going to start my business ... I had a framework. I had a plan. I had a MEANS to sell my service without having to run around talking to people that didn't really care one way or another. 

But remember I told you, It is 2020.

A friend of mine reminded me that we proclaimed that this was going to be our year. Yeah ... it WAS going to be our year. But  now this. The standstill. The CV, the storms, the power outages, the lack of services. Pushing everything back. 

Maybe now that the storm is over, the power and services are back, we can get back to moving forward? Maybe?

You know where I want to be? I want to be far far away. I want to be in the depths. I want to be in the blue. I don't want to be here. I want to be away. I want to swim away. I want to not have even started to exist. Why did I contract this existence? Am I just one of those accessory people? People that just exist in the world to fill it. People that just go to work and go home? 

Am I? Because right now, I feel no purpose at all. 

I changed my business plans. I changed what it is that I am going to roll out. And God bless these women. They are going to help me roll out for free. I am their beta. I am grateful truly grateful for their help. Immensely grateful for their help. Without them, I would have no plan. I would have nothing. Well, maybe nothing but I would have had to go it alone. Figure it out alone. I was trying and then they showed up. I guess the question -- Universe, what needs to happen in order to ... ? Yeah. I've been asking that question a lot. 

I am tired. Have I said that yet? Maybe I have in not so many words. But, I am. I would like to sleep, the eternal sleep. I do not want to be here, I want to be in the deep blue, never to return. Just swim away. Be as the marine life. Just existing -- living -- eating ... I don't know. What else do they do? Do you have a fish I can speak to? 

The deep blue. Yes, it sounds about right, right now. I need to go into that deep deep blue. I just need to find a way to never come back. 

Bad Luck Either Destroys You ...

... or it makes you the man you really are. Maybe it really just destroys you.

I talked to him the other day and all it took was a few hours after the call to feel alone and empty. He sounded good and we were laughing, the usual. I just had a question and he seemed like the person that would know the answer. He didn't. But that was fine. He told me that he moved out of state. West Coast. He said we needed to catch up, so many changes. I truly was happy for him, right at that moment, I was happy for him.

I guess your first reaction is the right one right? And I am happy for him. It is me, that I am not so happy for. Sad. Empty. Lonely. Inert. Stuck. Pointless. Purposeless. Directionless. Nowhere. Yep, that about captures it. Like everyone is moving forward and me? Nowhere.

This year was disturbing to say the least. Things not right with my family. Me, stuck behind developing something that didn't quite pan out. I did learn from the experience and I suppose there is value in that. I was suppose. But then when you look into your hands and find them empty and the value is one that isn't something you can touch, then is there value at all? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see if fall, does it make a sound? If you worked hard for something and all you have is the experience, did it happen at all?

I question the point of my existence. I question my purpose. Do I even have a purpose? If no one is there for me to reflect myself against, do I even exist?

Bad luck either destroys you or makes you the man you really are. Words, empty words. Time after time, it destroys you, it destroys something inside you. Even if you build it back up, shore it up, it is never, ever the same.

Bleakness ...

So today, marked the end of an odd flirtations of sorts.  It was long distance, it was with a friend that I had/have known for a long time.  He recently made known his thoughts (my interpretation) on what he felt for me were.  I did care for him and in a moment of weakness (from a distance) latched myself onto him.  It was all just talk really and most of it platonic with flirtatious undertones. I am sorry I went down this road. I am truly sorry.


What had happened was that he is not happy with his life right now and with me, some things over the holiday messed my once tidy-ish world up.  I latched onto him.  He did the same.  For me, the over riding theme was always a friendship but he was talking about more.  It could not be as he is married and has two  kids but because of a moment of weakness and need, I went along with it.  I knew it was wrong and I told him today that it was wrong.  Nothing physical transpired between us but it was still wrong.  Mostly words of support and flirtation here and there.  Nothing more. Today, there will be nothing more and what I am most sorry for is the possible loss of his friendship, which has been around for me, from a distance, for a long time.

Today too my brother brought up the idea of me moving back to the place, to the land, where I grew up.  There are things I can get done there, I can be successful.  But the issue is that well, I am so used to the U.S. of A.  I am an American.  Even if I am bi-racial, my heart belongs here.  The weather is better over there, I would not have to deal with the snow but there are so many large life questions that have to be answered and I don't know where those answers will come from.  I really don't know.  I know I can make a difference here, but I also know that I can make a difference over there as well.  What to do?

I am tired, tired of thinking.  Tired of trying to figure life out.  Yes, it is to be lived one day at a time but you have to go in a certain direction.  Right now, I am not sure about what this direction is.  I hope I am allowed time to mull this over.

Bleak.

This is how I feel life is right now.  I hope it changes soon.  The Year of the Monkey has to be better for me than the last year.

What the Future Holds

Here we are again.  I've said this before, this was supposed to be a gratitude journal.  The type that is out there but no one really reads.  Except me, of course.  And even then, no.  I don't come here very often.  Probably not even at all.  Until I remember to.

I feel sorry for me.  I feel very sorry for me.  The one thing that I really believed I had was a family.  Mom, dad, brothers.  Maybe not all at the same time but I had them.  They were my family. MY family.  But no.  No more.

My mother decided she had had enough of the life she expected to have but didn't.  I guess what I mean is she had had enough of her own expectations and illusions and now is going to live another one.  We don't live together, my family.  We live all separately.  My parents only together for several months out of the year. Me, up here where I am.  A brother 25 miles away in the city.  Another brother with his family overseas where my father lives most of the time.

We were usually together until my city brother decided that he no longer wanted to be home for the holidays.  There is another reason really.  He has a relationship and he decided that he wanted to spend more time on that relationship than the one with his family.  He didn't even call around when they had flown to be 25 miles from him, with me.  In my home.  Not a call, maybe ONE visit for dinner but that was it.  Everything else was more important.

The other brother, who now has a family. He finally came around when he married.  Thank goodness for that.  I have a niece now.  She does not call me Aunt but I like it that way.  I want to be like her older sister. I want her to be my baby, not for real but my baby, nonetheless.

Somehow, I had a family.

Now, there are still people I call family but it will no longer feel the same.  Christmas in the country I grew up in, will no longer be the same.  Summer's in July when my parents usually were here with me, both of them, will no longer be the same.  My little niece will never really get to know her grandmother.  Life, what I had come to understand as life, will never be the same.

I don't know what to do but I know that life goes on.  It changes everyday.  But it does go on.  I am upset but I am more upset for my father.  He was expected to be someone that he was not.  This late in the game, he was still expected to be someone who he never was.

Some of my mother's last words to me, "I prayed every year it would be different."  If I had more presence of mind, I would have said, "maybe instead of talking to God, you should have talked to Dad."  But it is too late now for glib phrases.  Much, much too late.  And I still don't know what to do.

Believe.

Well, here we go again.  This time, no one to blame.  I guess even the last times.  But this time for real, it is me.

He came back.  I responded.  He was going on vacation.  It was my birthday during his vacation.  Cellphones exist -- so do text messaging.  Guess, did I get a text message greeting or no?  Yep, no.

I did it again.  Text him finally and I told him - delete my digits/information and I would do the same.  That I was tired of deluding myself about the person I thought he was.  End of it.  No more.  I can't go back.  He never changes so I need to change.

Big fucking deal right?  What am I grateful for?  That I don't hurt anymore.  That I gave it 8 mos and him enough rope to do as he pleased.  It could have been some macrame but he turned it into a noose.  Well, so be it.  That is the way it goes.

I don't want to play games anymore.  Truly this time, I am done.  I guess sometimes it takes a couple of hard knocks on your head before you realize that ... no matter how hard you try to hold on, no matter how you want things to turn out the way you want them to turn out, they won't.  The sooner you accept it, the less you are invested, the less it hurts, the less time it takes to move on.

So, that is where I am now.  Moving on.  I don't have a lot of emotion left for him if any because there is no more respect for who he is.  I told him have a nice life and goodbye.  This time, goodbye is real.  Wish me luck.  That I meet a life time partner that loves me as much as I will love him.  I wish you the same.

Broken Again So Soon.

Can this be?  A second broken heart post? In the space of a month and a half or so?  Same guy? Yes.  What does this say about me?  That I gave someone another chance to break my heart again, yes.

Nothing to hide behind.  I take full responsibility.  This is all me.  I loved him, I really did.  And though he may love me -- as Marianne said in Sense & Sensibility, "not enough."

He started texting me again after we split up a week ago (again).  Freaked me out at first.  It really did.  Then it freaked me out a lot more after the third day.  All I kept saying was, if you want to talk, then set a date/time and show up.  That was the gist of my response to him.  No date, no time.  I think IN MY FACE I have all the evidence I need that this, whatever it was, cannot move forward.

Does it hurt?  Oh yes it does.  But I suppose I can take some comfort that with every day that goes by I am further and further away from that last communication and that is it.  I have a feeling that he won't reach out to me anymore as my only response to him is for him to set a date/time to meet up, show up.  What can you do with that?  Not much.  Especially when you don't want to show up.

Texting -- a useful tool in some ways, sucks when it is used as a tool to hide behind.  Texting once in a blue moon or with people that are half-acquaintances, half-friends -- that is ok but for someone you are supposed to be involved with -- if that is all there is, then I suppose that -- it just means that whoever you are involved with, just isn't that involved with you.

I am sad.  Very sad.  When love ends, it is always sad.  Someday, I hope to find a love that is two-sided and doesn't end.  Wish me well.

Another Goodbye

Well, another goodbye.  Tomorrow will be my final time at the agency I have been working at as a consultant for two months.  Whenever there is a hello -- there is a goodbye.  Maybe a ... so long ... but inevitably, it is there.

I am glad that this consultation is ending but at the same time, sad. For one, it gave me the chance to work with an old friend and help restore some order. That makes me sad.  I won't be seeing his friendly face every weekday.  But it is not like he and I won't see each other ever.  We will get together, just not at the same place during working hours.

This place gave me the opportunity to reconnect with my brother.  For that I am glad.  Turns out we only worked two blocks from each other.  We were able to have lunch then another time dinner.  We have emailed, lightly, here and there since then.  Blood is always blood so no matter how long the time or space in between, it is as if that space didn't exist once you get back together. He even sent me a song from iTunes, a song that reminds him of me whenever he hears it.  A song from eons ago.  But it is good to be remembered every now and then.

So now onto other things.

I was given a lead for another consulting project.  This time with a business in the trades.  I love it. The exposure to things other than corporate will give me great perspective, greater perspective and more experience is different kinds of business and different kinds of people.  I hope that I can close on this lead and work with this group of people.  So looking forward to the possibilities.

But for now, I know it is time to move on and it is once more bittersweet.  There are people here that I have grown fond of and they will always remain in my heart whether or not I remain in their's.